blah. randomness and anxiety

i am getting ready for my first "offical" interview. blah. i barely slept last night and thanks to tylenol pm i had horrible dreams and didn't sleep well at all (sleeping pills are not good for me, just ask my roommates). so whenever i stress i give in to a struggle that i currently carry with me. it is right there in my back pocket waiting for me to pull it out at any given minute when i feel stressed or anxious. cool. so there it was today staring me in the face telling me that it was better than what god can do/could do. i sat there thinking this is a lie, however, it has comforted me before and why not run to it again in this time of freaking out. so i did. why do i keep doing that. i sat here today and had a great conversation with my roomate on trusting god and when it comes right down to it, in those extremely difficult moments, i choose something that is so less fulfilling so less satisfying, something that only last a minute and then is gone. this is something i am working through, or to be honest, just keep ignoring. hoping one day i will magically trust god in times of desperate need, but i have yet to do so. moments like this don't just "happen." i have to choose. I HAVE TO CHOOSE!!! sometimes i wish god would just choose for us...but what kind of relationship would that be...